Time for me to get these laws in order
APPARENTLY, in prison it’s a real no-no to ask your fellow inmates what they’re in for. Lucky that. Because no one will be able to promote much of a tough-guy image if they have to admit they’re doing time for bird feeding.
And yet, that is literally a crime now. East Devon Council has made it illegal to give seagulls the traditional sandwich crust you wouldn’t have eaten anyway next time you’re beside the seaside, beside the sea.
As you may have read in this esteemed publication earlier this week, far from being the only odd law in existence, it’s merely the latest.
It’s also verboten to ask a stranger for parking change, get drunk in a pub or even carry your DIY shopping home.
Totally outrageous of course – a waste of law. These are the things
that should be illegal: Not folding over the edge when you’re finished with the sellotape.
Not acknowledging the driver who has stopped for you at a pedestrian crossing with a nod, wave or smile.
Singing along to songs with the wrong words.
Being faux-sterious on social media. Saying you’re sad/happy/ have exciting news and then disappearing. Not for attention though, obviously. Mushrooms. Popping in without ringing first. Ringing instead of texting. Any version of autocorrect that suggests the word you might want is “ducking”.
Saying “better out than in” after a burp.
Buttering a roll you intend to put a burger in at a barbecue. Or anywhere, actually. Ugh.
Saying “generally” when you mean “genuinely”.
Making noise with chewing gum.
Waiters who address you as “guys”. We are not in an American sitcom.
Making weak, too milky tea, which the recipient is then duty bound to drink out of patriotism (ie politeness).
Keeping the keyboard click noise enabled on your iPhone.
Saying “pacific” when you mean “specific”.
Swanning about all day in gym gear, trying to make out you’ve either just been or are just off to the gym, when probably neither is true, just to make other people feel bad about themselves. Even the word Athleisure should be banned.
Describing anything as “jokes” if you are over 13. Men in flip-flops. Repeatedly punctuating conversation with, “You know what I mean?”
Repeatedly punctuating conversation with, “I’m not being funny, but...”
Repeatedly punctuating conversation with, “So I turned round and said...”
Repeatedly punctuating the conversation with “like”.
Judging people. Behind their backs, once you get home is fine, naturally – it’s the out-loud-totheir-faces version that needs to cease and desist. Waiting to cross the road recently, I told my kid to look for the green man. The woman next to us tapped me on the shoulder and angrily informed me: “You shouldn’t say that! It’s too gender-specific! You should say green person!” By the time I realised she wasn’t joking, she was gone, so I never got the chance to thank her for her valuable input into my life. Shame. Snoring. Being Instagram-famous. Pronouncing foreign words with an accent if you’re British, like Bar-tttthhhhe-lona instead of Barcelona.
Not saying bless you after a sneeze.
It should be illegal to say “better out than in” after a burp