Should I give up trying with my cheating dad?
Dear Coleen About two years ago my dad had an affair for 18 months with another woman and left my mother. He is 54 and the other woman is about 48.
After three months of living with her and her kids, he begged to come back and for my mother to give him a second chance, which she did.
He then left the other woman saying he had to go away for the weekend with his kids in order to explain to us about her. But when we got back from our short break he never went back to her and didn’t even bother to talk to her about it. Then he announced to us that the affair hadn’t stopped and that he was leaving us again to be with her.
I have tried to keep contact with him, but every time I arrange to meet up with him, there is an excuse of some kind.
It’s so confusing because when he came back to us, he bad-mouthed his girlfriend and her kids to us every day and if she knew about that she’d be horrified.
I think she is really controlling, a drama queen and an attention-seeker. Whenever we bump into her and my dad she always kisses and hugs him and it just seems so childish, as if she’s saying, ‘I’ve got him and you haven’t’.
She’s had him for a while now, so what is she trying to prove? Is she not secure in their relationship?
Also, he still hasn’t signed the divorce papers and always makes an excuse to my mother, saying that he’ll get around to it. I don’t know what he’s saying to the other woman or what their relationship is like, but if I see him he looks really unhappy and old.
My question is, should I stop attempting to have a relationship with him? I feel I’m getting nowhere and he only gets in touch when he wants something. Coleen says I think you need to be honest with your dad about how you’re feeling. And maybe you need a break from all the drama and shouldn’t see him until he sorts out what he wants.
He sounds emotionally immature (and so does his girlfriend for that matter). He’s clinging on to everything like he’s frightened of making a decision about anything in case it’s the wrong one. So he’s dilly-dallying over the divorce papers and so on.
However, he can’t keep using people in this way because he’s frightened of being alone or doesn’t know his own mind. Don’t be afraid to tell him a few home truths – explain that his behaviour is confusing you and making it stressful for you to be around him. Talk to your mum about it too. Maybe she needs to be a bit stronger when it comes to the divorce papers and also setting some boundaries when it comes to you and your siblings.
As for the other woman, I think she is insecure and, by the sounds of it, rightly so!