The only reason I stay is because of our daughter
Dear Coleen
I was having an affair for 18 months behind my wife’s back, but eventually she found out about us. I left my wife initially, but ended up going back because I missed my daughter, who is only six years old.
Since then, I’ve left home a few times for the other woman, who I’m in love with, but I always return because of my daughter.
I don’t love my wife any more, but I cannot find the strength to end our marriage for good.
Whenever I try to talk about it she gets very upset and angry, and begs me to stay. Meanwhile, I keep promising the woman I love that we’ll be together, but when I get back home I can’t bring myself to leave my daughter.
I don’t want to miss out on seeing her grow up and I’ve always been a hands-on dad. My wife has even threatened that she’ll stop me seeing my daughter if I walk out.
How can I explain to her that it’s over, but that I’d like us to try to be friends and to continue to be good parents?
I know she is hurting, but it’s not fair on any of us to carry on like this.
Surely it can’t be good for our daughter to live under the same roof as parents whose marriage is a sham?
Coleen says
It always makes me angry when I hear about a parent using their child as a weapon when their relationship is breaking down. And, ultimately, it’s pointless because that child will grow up and make their own decisions. Your wife should understand that your daughter will grow up resenting her if she tries to keep you apart.
Understandably, your wife is hurting and she’s desperate, and that’s why she’s behaving like this. But holding you to ransom isn’t going to change the situation and it won’t make you love her again – that’s what you have to get across to her in the kindest way possible.
On the positive side (although she might not see any positives in this situation right now) you can still co-parent your daughter and be great role models for her. And your wife will have the chance to meet someone who does love her.
I know I wouldn’t want to stay with someone if the only reason they were with me was because of a child. I understand her anger, but it’s never right to use a child to emotionally blackmail your partner.
Make your daughter’s wellbeing the focus of your discussions about the future from now on.
Hopefully you will find some common ground to help you work things out and move forward.