His family have no idea I exist, even after 10 years

Dear Coleen

I’m a 37-year-old gay man and I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years now. He’s 11 years older than me and made it clear not long after we first got together that his family were unaware of his sexuality.

We have lived together for the past five years and he is very much a part of my family, and he is always invited to our family events.

I wasn’t concerned about ever meeting his family until recently when he talked about meeting his brother’s new girlfriend and how much he and his parents liked her.

I asked about meeting his brother and was met with a flat “no, never” response.

I have asked in the past about meeting his friends from football and work and got the same response.

If we are out together and he bumps into any of them I am either ignored by him or introduced as his friend.

I’m unsure what to do, as I know he will never change his mind. This has led to us arguing recently and me questioning whether I deserve more from a relationship than being someone’s secret for more than a decade. Please advise.

Coleen says:

I totally understand why you’re feeling that this isn’t enough for you any more – why should you live your life being someone’s secret? The arrangement might be working for him, but it’s not working for you.

He obviously hasn’t come out to anyone in his life and I’m not putting him down for that, as it’s a very hard thing to do, especially if people are completely unaware or have certain opinions. So I feel sorry for him that he doesn’t feel able to live his life openly.

However, I don’t think this issue is going to go away for you.

If you were happy to remain a secret, then fine, but you’re not. And it’s unfair – your partner gets to be a part of your family and be involved with your friends, but he’s shut down that side of himself to you.

You’re only 37 and potentially have many years together being expected to keep your relationship secret from his family and being his friend or flatmate if any of them pop round.

As hard as it is, you have to tell him that you’re not prepared for this arrangement to continue, give him your reasons and then give him some space to think about it.

You could even take a break from each other for a few weeks so he can see what it’s like not to have you in his life. If he still chooses secrecy over a full and honest relationship with you, then you know where you stand and have a tough decision to make.

If he bumps into someone he will often ignore me