Shunned by colleagues after stupid gay remarks

Dear Coleen

I recently landed my dream job with a prestigious firm. However, on day one I was sat in the staff room exchanging stories with people about a local nightclub and I had a rant about a time when a gay man hit on me there. I used some derogatory language, which I’m not proud of.

At that moment, another man came in and challenged me on it, and I stupidly got defensive rather than just apologising.

I even told him not to be so precious when he said he was sick of hearing language like this his whole life. He then introduced himself to me as my new boss, which got a laugh from the others, who were clearly on his side. He said I would lose my job if I spoke to him or anyone else like that again.

I was mortified and he rejected a private apology later. Since then, he has been cold but professional with me and we’ve said nothing more about it.

My colleagues, on the other hand, won’t invite me to social events, ignore my ideas at meetings and even refused to fill me in on an essential project when I came back after a sick day.

The only person who listens to my ideas, ironically, is my gay boss, but he doesn’t seem to know my colleagues refuse to work with me.

They don’t even reply to my emails, and I’ve heard them calling me “the homophobic guy”.

I honestly can’t work like this much longer, but I don’t want to give up on my dream job so soon. Should I be cheeky enough to ask my boss for help with my situation?

Coleen says

Well, you haven’t made a great impression and, understandably, your colleagues are shocked and offended by that kind of attitude. I’m imagining from what you’ve said that you were nervous on your first day and trying to be funny and it’s backfired in a big way. But that doesn’t excuse what you said.

If I were you, I’d try speaking to your workmates first and apologise to them, too.

Explain that you know you were wrong, but you want to do a good job and work within the team and to get the chance to prove to them that you’re not bigoted.

Look, if the boss can put it behind him and be professional in the office, then they should be following suit.

But if your colleagues don’t respond positively, you will have to go to the boss – then it’s up to him how he deals with it. He’s given you a second chance, so maybe he’ll back you up.

Workmates are calling me ‘the homophobic guy’