HE CHEATED AND REFUSES SEX

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend of four years slept with his ex girlfriend a couple of years ago and I still can’t get over it. He’s never really opened up and explained why he did it, although he did apologise and say he’d never do it again.

But I am finding it really hard to move on. The other issue is that sex with him is infrequent, even though we’re both only in our mid-twenties. Sometimes I try to initiate sex and he rejects me, which is like a knife to the heart.

I’ve convinced myself he doesn’t fancy me and that’s why he cheated and it’s also why he’s not as interested in sex any more.

What’s your opinion?

Coleen says Two years is a long time to be struggling with this. It is hard to move on when a partner won’t talk about why they strayed. It’s hard to fix a problem if you won’t admit to what that problem is.

You’ve been left to torture yourself with all the scenarios about why he may have cheated on you and, naturally, you feel very insecure.

I think if your relationship is to succeed, you both need to give something. He needs to be prepared to have an honest conversation about what happened with his ex and why it happened, and also why he’s lost interest in sex. He needs to prove to you that he loves you and that you can trust him.

If you’re satisfied with what he has to say and still want to make a go of it, then you have to make an effort to put the past behind you. You can’t keep throwing it back in his face.

But if he still won’t open up and you’re not happy, then walking away is the best option, unless you’re prepared for those questions and insecurities to keep resurfacing.