How could he have affair after 30 years together?

Dear Coleen Coleen says

That is the question you need answered in order to move on: “How could you?”

And he hasn’t given you a satisfactory answer about his motives.

What was wrong in your relationship to make him cheat? Why did he feel the need to look for what was missing elsewhere instead of addressing how he felt with you?

The fact is, it’s impossible to really move on unless that other person is willing to be open and honest.

That way you have a chance at working on those issues so the same thing doesn’t happen again.

It’s also important in terms of rebuilding the trust you had in him.

You say you don’t want counselling, but I would give it some serious consideration.

Even if you go on your own and talk to a professional – they are not emotionally involved and can give you support and guidance (visit relate. org.uk).

It sounds as if your husband is committed to your marriage now and wants to make it work, so he should agree to couples’ counselling.

Again, that would show you he’s serious about his commitment to you moving forwards.

It could also help him deal with his guilt too. want counselling, but I needed to tell someone. Since it all came out, he’s never left my side. I know he’s always loved me and always will, but sometimes I think, “How could you?”

Do you have any advice?

I can never trust him again but will always love him

Last year I found out that my husband of more than 30 years had been having an affair, which lasted about 18 months. We have four grown-up children with kids of their own and I thought this was “our time”.

He says he doesn’t know why he did it. He lost so much weight that everyone assumed he was ill. At first he admitted it was “a bit exciting”, but then the other woman started blackmailing him.

She was always threatening to tell me if he didn’t choose her. He ended up hating her as a result.

He’s always been a very strong man and I’ve never doubted his love for me and our children. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I feel like my heart is bleeding.

I can never trust him again, but I will always love him.

As soon as he’d told me, he started gaining weight again. I know he’s devastated that I’m hurting so much. I do want to move forward and most of the time I’m OK and then bang! – out of nowhere it hits me again. I don’t