Still suffering after being sexually abused in 1950s

You should stop letting them have power over you

Dear Coleen

I had a bad childhood and was put into care at 14. When I left there, I was so naive and ignorant – I wasn’t prepared for the outside world in the late 1950s. I was raped on my way home from an evening out and had to go into a convent to have my baby.

When I left there I took a job and was living in digs. The husband then took photos of me, saying I was “one of England’s beauties”. I felt flattered as it was the first time anyone had been nice to me, but it turned out they just wanted me for sex.

I did eventually escape that situation and in 2000 I found I had a sister and we’re now in touch every week. But the man our mother married sexually abused my sister from the age of five until she was in her twenties.

Both of us suffer from depression as a result of our past lives. I was married twice to men who could never understand me, but my third husband is very good to me, although he also finds it difficult to understand why we cannot let it go. I’d love to hear your advice.

Coleen says

You don’t mention if you’ve had counselling through any of this. It’s very hard to let it go if you’re keeping these very distressing memories and difficult emotions locked up inside.

I think you have to share your story with a counsellor to give voice to this trauma and start to move forward.

You need to get rid of all your pent-up anger and sadness in a supportive environment. It’s also never too late to bring these people to justice if that’s the road you and your sister want to go down.

It won’t change what happened, but seeing justice done can help you to find some sort of closure and move forward with your life.

You’ve done amazingly well on your own and, despite it all, you don’t sound bitter, just terribly sad. But, as hard as it will be for you to talk about what happened, you have to confront it, otherwise it will continue to affect your life and relationships, and ultimately your happiness.

You shouldn’t let these abusers have that power over your life any more.

It is hard for people who have never been in your shoes to really understand how you feel, so it helps to connect with people who have had similar experiences. It helps just to know you’re not alone.

There are some great organisations that offer support, advice and forums for people who have suffered abuse. You can get confidential advice from Rape Crisis, which helps women who have experienced sexual abuse at any time in their lives, past or present (rapecrisis.org.uk; helpline 0808 802 9999).

Your sister might also want to get in touch with the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk; 0808 801 0331), which offers help to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse.