Party costs tot up but I’m feline fine
THERE are some noises only dogs can hear.
And there are some conversations only parents can hear; like those about how competitive and expensive kids’ birthday parties are becoming. Apparently these chats have always been happening, more and more so over the last decade, but I only became able to receive them three years ago.
In other news, my son is about to turn three. So obviously this is the week Harper Beckham has a princess-themed party at Buckingham Palace with a real life actual Princess. Talk about raising the stakes. What are the rest of us meant to do now? I mean, obviously we can forget about better – but what is going to be
even half as good as that? I can’t tell my son that on his special day, he can do whatever he wants, no matter how socially unacceptable or rude. He’s a toddler – that’s not a treat, it’s just how he rolls. So my only other options are to take him to: The Moon I have a contact here actually, I know a guy with a spaceship... the only potential problem is that Sir Richard Branson doesn’t, technically, know me – which might influence his decision about whether I can borrow it or not. Also, kids get travel sick in cars on roads, never mind rockets in orbit... and being constantly asked if we’re there yet might spoil the magical journey a tad too. Back to prehistoric times Whenever we’ve been to a zoo or farm, and I’ve excitedly asked Albie what animal he’d like to see next, the reply has always been, “the dinosaurs”. The conversation – and day – goes downhill from there, usually ending with him screaming that he doesn’t care if their eggs stink, he still wants to see them. This could make up for all of it. Obviously I’d have to pop back to prehistoric times alone first, to ask the dinosaurs not to be all Jurassic Park when the kids get there. And teach them to sing Let It Go. A magical land... ...where it’s never bedtime, the telly is always on, the only food is ice cream and chocolate buttons, you have your own iPhone fully loaded with CBeebies apps and all in app purchases are preapproved.
Slight drawback: this land is so far undiscovered. But they said that about America until Christopher Columbus got involved. Maybe I am the Christopher Columbus of this story. Probably not though. The purrfect place I’ve just done something quite maverick, and actually asked my son where he would like his birthday party to be. He thought for a second, and then said, “In a shop.” I asked what kind of shop. “A cat shop,” he replied instantly. And suddenly I’m not worried about parties any more.
He’s just come up with the greatest business idea I’ve ever heard.
Any second now we’ll have so much more money than the Beckhams, we won’t have to settle for the B-list option, we’ll be able to get Kate Middleton. And Charlotte. In your face, Harper.