3 places to hide when Trump comes to call

Donald Trump, the President of the United States, was supposed to be coming for a state visit to the UK this year, but the visit has been postponed for reasons that definitely have nothing at all to do with the 1.8 million-name petition against the visit.

But he’s the leader of the free world. There is no way this visit can be postponed indefinitely.

You know what it’s like. You invite somebody to your house because you met them at a wedding or a funeral or other function where you might encounter Hugh Grant, and you couldn’t think of anything to say. “You must come round some time for dinner,” you blurt out, hoping they’ll agree in that vague way that means they will never come round. But sometimes it backfires. “OK,” they say, “How about Tuesday?”

There is only one way out. You have to hide when they come around to your house until they go away. Perhaps you could hide behind the sofa, or in the bathroom...?

But where can you hide when you’re an entire country and Donald Trump is coming to visit? We at Dave have a number of suggestions... Surely nobody would notice another few million figures? Obviously you’d have to stand still for a long time. And be naked. But no solution is perfect.

And if, for example, a police officer asked, you could just say you’re involved in one of those Spencer Tunick pieces.

Isle of Man There’s no point hiding in Scotland. Trump has too many golf courses there, and it would be too embarrassing if he saw us all huddled together around Peebles.

But if we look further afield, not far across the water, there, like a shining jewel in the Irish Sea, is the Isle of Man. You could fit all of the children in the world (around 1.9bn) on the Isle of Man, with a bit of room to spare, so we could easily fit the 58 million population of the United Kingdom on there. As long as the visit doesn’t coincide with the TT Races we’ll be laughing.