A word to the whys.. don’t reply in a flash

A STUDY that will make you shudder in recognition or anticipation has revealed that kids ask their parents 22,174 questions over their school life.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned parents can only answer around a third of them.

In fairness, that’s still 7,391.33 queries dealt with satisfactorily, but still not a great feeling, I’m sure. When I was child-free, I’d have thought the results of this study were ludicrous because of, um, GOOGLE. Google knows everything... how else do you think I have any idea what a third of 22,174 is? But my very-nearly three-yearold son Albie hasn’t even started nursery yet, and he’s already looked up at me trustingly so many times and asked something to which I can’t even formulate a reply, let alone an answer. The first time he stumped me was when he wanted to know something I’m sure we’ve all wondered at least once in our lives: How do tambourines sleep? I thought he was telling a joke at first, but when I replied, “I don’t know, how do tambourines sleep?” it became clear it’d been a genuine question. Only an idiot would Google that – but there were no results, so I offered, weakly, “Quietly?” and changed the subject. The next awkward moment came when he asked, “Why is clothes?” For context, he’s a good talker (and I’m not one of those mums who can see no fault with their kid – he can’t jump, and he’s got terrible taste in music), so he didn’t mean “why do we wear clothes?” I felt like it was kind of philosophical, maybe? Definitely rhetorical, though, I decided.

Hanging out with Albie has also made me realise what a load of old nonsense we all spout too. His voice was hoarse one day, so I asked if he had a frog in his throat. When I’d finally reassured him that it was just a saying, he didn’t need an operation, and he’d stopped crying, he asked me to explain it, which, it then transpired, is impossible, like all sayings.

A song being “stuck in my head” is at least understandable – why an eager toddler can’t then get it out for you with his bare hands is not. Also, don’t get me started on why cows and cars both have horns, because I can’t get me finished.

But the very worst kids’ questions are the completely innocent ones, when you can’t say what you want to, and end up having to do something weird. My son is suddenly very aware of people’s bodies – apparently (Google, obv) it’s a normal phase they go through and you must be very relaxed and open so they develop positive body image and aren’t embarrassed.

The other morning as I was getting dressed, Albie walked in and pointed at my bra. “What are THOSE?” he asked. I had no time to think, so I blurted out, “They’re my, er, boobs” – even though I hate that word, which I’m now stuck with for life.

“Can I see them?” he immediately shot back.

And that’s how I ended up in a situation where I had to flash my own son. Still, at least that’s one question he won’t be asking again.

His future wife had better be grateful I set his standards so low... kidding, of course.

As if I’m ever going to let him leave me and get married.

Albie has made me realise what nonsense we spout