The Poldark question...
Is cheating for revenge like Demelza ever a good idea?
For me, infidelity didn’t have to be the end of our relationship DENISE WELCH ON HER MARRIAGE TO TIM HEALY
THE shock of seeing Ross Poldark’s wife getting her own back on him for straying has sparked a debate over whether couples can survive a revenge affair.
Having discovered he has again been unfaithful to her with former love Elizabeth – Demelza romped in the dunes with Hugh, played by Josh Whitehouse.
As the BBC1 series climaxed on Sunday night, the vengeful wife, played by Eleanor Tomlinson, returned to her marriage with Aidan Turner’s Ross.
But will it be seen as fair game, or has Demelza broken her marriage like a doomed ship on Cornwall’s rocky coast.
Celebrities might tell you infidelity is underrated. Singer Dolly Parton, 71, suggested it doesn’t matter if she or her husband of five decades, Carl Thomas Dean, 75, cheats, saying: “If we cheat, we don’t know it. So if we do cheat, it’s very good for both of us.”
And former Loose Women star Denise Welch, 59, has claimed that ex-husband Tim Healy, 65, cheated on her, after she had a fling with a younger man, Steve Murray.
They split after 24 years in 2012, but not for that reason. She said: “There were infidelities on both parts, like there are in millions of marriages.
“For me and Tim, infidelity didn’t have to be the end of a relationship. We moved on from the infidelities – and there are not loads of them – because what we had was more important.”
But experts warn that double flings – especially revenge affairs – will more often lead to couples losing their love. The Mirror’s agony aunt and Loose Women star Coleen Nolan says: “I have known people who have both had affairs. But I’ve never known any of those relationships survive more than a year. And not a good year at that.
“It becomes about point scoring – and that means it’s just toxic. What happens after you’ve cheated? Do they then think, well she cheated on me as well, so I might as well do it again?
“Then do you cheat again to equal the score? By then all trust in your relationship will be gone.”
Coleen has personal experience of being cheated on. In 1997, her first husband, EastEnders star Shane Richie, admitted he had been unfaithful during their seven-year marriage.
While they are now good friends for the sake of their children, she admits: “It takes a long time for the hurt to subside. There was the anger at first – which is empowering. Then comes the hurt.
“I went to see a counsellor and they said it was normal because it is a type of grief. So knowing the amount of hurt an affair causes, how could you then purposefully inflict that same pain back on them – without it being vicious?”
According to relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr, revenge affairs are one of the four most common types of affairs.
They rank alongside flings by people intent on taking risks, those taken by opportunists who spot an unexpected window to be unfaithful and “midlife crisis” affairs.
Dr Spurr adds that for those who, like Demelza, have been neglected, infidelity can be a subconscious way of seizing back the balance of power, but warns a “mercenary fling” for payback rarely ends well.
“About 60% of couples survive an affair but picking up the pieces is hard,” she says. “To throw another affair into the mix heaps trauma on top of trauma.
“I’ve come across the odd couple who survive, but for most, it’s a disaster.”
And Ammanda Major, of relationship counsellors Relate, says an assumed “revenge affair” isn’t necessarily a calculated attempt to cause pain.
She says: “Sometimes they say, ‘I’m going to do to you what you’ve done to me’ so their partner knows how much