DEADLOCK OVER MUM’S CARE HOME

Dear Coleen

Sadly my mother, who’s in her seventies, needs to go into a care home, but I can’t agree with my siblings over what’s best for her and it’s caused a huge rift in our family.

I’d like our mother to be somewhere close to us so we can visit regularly and, if there’s an emergency or she needs anything, then we’re close at hand.

However, my two sisters are keen for her to live at a new facility 20 odd miles away, which would mean a long car journey. They like the surroundings and the fact that it’s new and looks nice, but it’s just not practical.

Instead of coming together to support our mum, we’ve all fallen out and are barely talking to each other. We’re at deadlock and can’t move forward. Meanwhile, our mum is the one who’s losing out.

How can I make them see sense?

Coleen says

Does your mum have an opinion? Have you talked to her about the options and asked her what she wants? I think you should all sit in a room together with your mum (if that’s possible) and talk about the pros and cons for each place and base your decision on what’s best in terms of care for her – not what’s more convenient for you or your siblings.

If she’s in a great residential home with 24-hour care, then perhaps the longer car drive isn’t so much of an issue. On the other hand, if it means you won’t be able to visit your mum as much, then that’s an important consideration.

But it’s not worth falling out over – I know for a fact that your mum wouldn’t want that. What will make her happy and give her reassurance is that you’re all pulling together and getting along.