Daughter-in-law limits access to our grandson

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have an eightyear-old grandson who we adore and we get to have him on a regular basis for sleepovers, also taking him to school because both his parents work. He is dropped off for the day while his mum and my son are at work or out socialising. But that’s all we get him for.

His other grandma and grandad (my daughter-in-law’s parents) get to go on a family holiday abroad every year with them and have caravan holidays in the UK with them too.

It hurts us that we won’t have any of those memories to share with our grandson. The only time we’ve been with them on holiday was five years ago when they were going on their own, so we surprised them at the airport.

We gave them their space by booking the same resort but different accommodation, and ended up looking after our grandson who was ill.

This year was a milestone birthday for my husband and I suggested that all our family went on holiday together to celebrate it. But, guess what? She booked to go away with her parents instead.

We feel we get the rough end of the stick and spend no real quality time with the lad. We have asked if we can take him abroad with us for a week, but she said no.

So if we can’t be trusted to take him away for a week, then don’t trust us for day care! What’s your advice?

Coleen says

I understand where you’re coming from and why you think it’s unfair.

Try being direct and simply asking your son why they’re against booking a holiday with you and your husband, or letting you take your grandson on holiday. But try not to fall out. You don’t know what pressure your daughter-in-law’s mum is putting on her, and she might also feel guilty that you see your grandson more than her own parents do.

That could be one reason they choose to go on holiday with her mum and dad.

Holidays might be the only chance her parents get to spend significant time with their grandson, so your son and daughter-in-law might think it’s a fair way of doing it.

You could always talk to your son about arranging something special – even a weekend away – to celebrate your husband’s birthday.

But don’t threaten withholding childcare because you might risk not seeing your grandson at all and that would be more heartbreaking.

You can still have fun with him and share memorable experiences when you look after him – plan some special day trips to the beach or the zoo for example. That way you can share quality time together and make lovely memories you can look back on.

We never spend any real quality time with him