Ex deludes herself that I am the father of her child

Dear Coleen

I’m a 39-year-old man, married with three young children and my problem goes way back to my first girlfriend. I’d known her all my life, as our parents were good friends before either of us was born and we lived next door to each other. Unsurprisingly, we became teen sweethearts.

One day, while I was at university, she called to say she was pregnant with my baby. I was confused as I’d used protection and she was taking the Pill too but, even though I was only 18, I was ready to step up to my responsibilities.

After a few months went by, and the arrival date of the baby changed several times, I started to have my doubts. We had a DNA test done, which proved I wasn’t the father so, being young and not prepared to bring up another man’s child, I ended our relationship. That was 21 years ago.

Recently, my wife answered the door to a young girl, who I’d never seen before. She claimed I was her father and said she’d been searching for me, and showed me her birth certificate with my name on it along with a photo of me with my first girlfriend.

She said her mother claims I was given someone else’s DNA results in error. So, solely for the benefit of sorting this out once and for all, I paid for another paternity test and even had my own kids tested. Again, the test proved negative but my ex wouldn’t

Even two DNA tests can’t make her believe me

accept it. We’ve had no further contact, but my wife and I feel sorry for the girl not knowing who her father is.

Should we help her and my ex or leave well alone?

Coleen says

I think it’s really nice that you feel that concerned, and you’ve made a real effort to try to sort this out. However, I worry that if you open the door to your ex, it’ll be hard to close it again and she might think you still have feelings for her.

I don’t think you should encourage a relationship, but I agree that she does need help to deal with her past and move on. Of course, she must know who her daughter’s father is or at least have an idea. It’s very unfair on her daughter, but hopefully now she’s seen the results for herself, it’ll open up a dialogue with her mum and she’ll be able to get to the truth about her real dad.

If you’re still worried, then why not appeal to your ex’s parents, either directly or through your own parents if they’re still friends.

Perhaps she’s convinced them you’re the father, too, but you can put record straight.

But I’d be careful about establishing a relationship with your ex – I don’t think it’s fair on your wife and kids.