Wife won’t stop texting lover she had affair with
Dear Coleen
I found out earlier this year that my wife of 29 years had been cheating on me with an old school friend. I think she has probably always had feelings for him as she mentioned once going to a school reunion and being another notch on his bedpost.
When I confronted her, at first she denied the affair until I said I had evidence of the sexting between them. She told me they’d been seeing each other since January, but she would stop immediately and that would be it.
However, although there may be no physical relationship now, she continues to text him, despite saying to me it was over on several occasions.
The worst part for me was that after going away to rebuild our relationship, she was messaging him again from our hotel in Florida before we’d even packed to come home.
I did initially decide to stay with her for our daughter’s sake, as she was in her final year at school. But I now believe it is time to finish with her and move on. What are your thoughts?
Coleen says
It sounds to me as if you’ve reached your decision and there’s no turning back. I think it’s the right choice.
You’ve put up with a lot – betrayal, lies and even parading their relationship under your nose. I think what happens in a situation like this is that even if you still love that person, something inside dies and you realise it’s over.
Even if she’s not sleeping with this man at the moment, it’s very arrogant and disrespectful that she’s still blatantly texting him. If she was serious about saving your marriage and wanted to start making up for causing so much grief, she’d cut all ties.
It’s simply not possible to carry on while she is still in contact with him. Tell her that if remaining friends with this guy is more important to her than her marriage, then the marriage is over. And you have to mean it.
I think because you’ve been calm and reasonable, and wanted to try again, she thinks you’ll put up with anything and you’ll never leave her.
I was in a similar situation with my ex – he didn’t believe I was going until the removal men turned up. And I think there might be part of your wife that thinks you’ll never walk away.
But if you’ve reached a place where you want to move on, then don’t stay because you think it’s best for your daughter – it’s not. Kids aren’t stupid and even if they don’t know exactly what’s happened, they pick up on the atmosphere. And, as I always say, you can still be great parents, even if you’re not together any more.
She messaged him even while we were away