Cheating daughter-in-law has cut us off from child
Dear Coleen
My daughter-in-law hasn’t let me see my granddaughter for almost a year and it’s breaking my heart.
She had an affair and the wife of the man she was seeing sent me a private message and pictures of my daughter-in-law with her husband, which I showed to my son.
He is still legally married to her, but they’re separated and she hasn’t let us know where she lives and has moved my granddaughter to a different school. I do know where she works, though.
My son is being really patient and playing nice so he gets to see his daughter. I’ve advised him to divorce her so proper visitation rights can be agreed on. I don’t see a reconciliation happening at all.
I have thought of sending her a short text message to say I’m sorry if she feels I was in the wrong somehow.
I don’t really know how to play it, but I miss my granddaughter terribly.
Coleen says
You’re not in the wrong by telling your son what his wife was up to. I think most mums would do exactly the same in your shoes and I’m sure it was devastating for you to have to relay that news. The fact is, she had the affair and has no one to blame but herself for the consequences.
Yes, I think it’s worth appealing to her by saying you think it’s a very sad and regrettable situation, but you’d love to see your granddaughter and think it would be good not to take any of this out on her. At the moment, your daughter-in-law is using her child to hurt your son and to hurt you but, actually, it’s her little girl who will suffer the most by being cut off.
Your son has every right to see his daughter but, ultimately, he should go through the proper channels and not rely on his ex to do the right thing.
He doesn’t have to be divorced to get visitation rights. They can try mediation to come up with a plan for their daughter, which will be written into a legal document.
If they can’t agree, then it’ll have to go to court, so a lot will depend on how nicely she decides to play.
A court will make a decision in the best interest of the child, and generally presume they will benefit from having both parents involved in their upbringing unless there are issues involving domestic violence or drugs, for example.
Your son can contact National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk), which supports families facing divorce and separation, and has lots of good information around arrangements for children, property and finance.