I’ve had enough of my tiresome insecure friend
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 20s and have been close to my best friend since we were at college. She’s been difficult at times, but lately I’m finding her increasingly irritating.
She’s very insecure about her friendships and whenever I mention something about girls at work or from uni she looks heartbroken and says, “You still love me most, though?” At our age I’m finding it tiresome!
She’s similar when it comes to men. Every time she starts seeing someone new she constantly says they’d rather be with me if they could, and she often puts me down when we’re out.
She told a guy I was chatting to at a bar that I’d tried to go home with a much older man the last time I was out, which is just not true. Every time we’re at a club she just looks at me and says, “Dancing isn’t your thing, is it?”
I feel like she’s trying to dent my confidence because she doesn’t have much herself. She’s been like this for a long time, but now I’m starting to get fed up with it. What do you suggest? Am I being silly to think this it’s worth jeopardising a friendship over or should I speak to her?
Coleen says
I think you should definitely speak to her and tell her how she’s making you feel. You don’t have to be mean, but be direct – she probably doesn’t expect you to be upfront because, in a way, her behaviour is quite subtle and she passes off hurtful comments as jokes.
Whether it’s a romantic partnership or a friendship, trying to control another person is not healthy.
No one has the right to control you in any relationship and that’s what she’s trying to do by constantly putting you down, chipping away at your self-esteem and always looking for reassurance.
Make it clear that unless she stops behaving like this then it will ruin your friendship. It’s as if she wants to be your only real friend and sees other mates and partners as a threat. She does come across as insecure and needy, which is incredibly draining.
And why not step back a bit from the friendship and see her a bit less. You might find that challenging her changes your friendship anyway and you end up drifting apart.
As you get older and circumstances change, it’s normal to grow apart from friends and make new ones.