Can’t cope with insults from sick hubby anymore

Dear Coleen

I’m a 75-year-old woman and I feel very trapped. My husband is older than me – 81– and we haven’t had a particularly happy marriage.

He has always been a heavy drinker, which is why things have been difficult. We do have five lovely, wellgrounded children, though, which I’m very grateful for.

My problem is that my husband is in very poor health and I’m his carer, and I have to do everything for him. He has had a couple of strokes but he never shows any appreciation for anything I do.

And when he’s been drinking he is verbally aggressive and says the most horrible things to me, even wishing me dead on occasion.

My family have said they think I should consider putting him in a care home but, in spite of everything, I would feel very guilty doing this. So what do I do?

I don’t think I can carry on like this. I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

It’s a shame that he’s ill, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour and if the situation carries on, you could end up ill and depressed yourself.

Maybe you wouldn’t put him in a care home but the next time he’s wishing you dead, stick up for yourself and tell him that if he can’t be polite when you’re looking after him, then you’ll have to think about someone else doing it. And get your family to back you up.

If he’s in such poor health and has had two strokes then why is he still drinking to the point of getting drunk? He’s not caring for himself and risks having another stroke.

Please don’t feel guilty – you’ve been amazing – and start to think about yourself more. It’s not being selfish, it’s preservation. Look into respite care, even if it’s once a week or once a fortnight. And see if your kids and other family members can help you more.

For more support and advice, contact Carers UK (carersuk.org) and Carers Trust (carers.org).