GAVE ME NO SAY OVER ABORTION

Dear Coleen

I’m 26 and for the past few months I’ve been seeing a woman who’s 10 years older than me, and it’s been going really well.

Until recently, I thought we might even have a chance of a future together and I could see myself settling down and having kids with her.

Then while I was away visiting my parents for a few days, she told me she’d had an abortion. I didn’t even know she’d been pregnant. She apologised for being secretive, but claimed she thought it was in our best interests as I’m so much younger and the relationship is still new.

I was furious to have the decision taken away from me – not to even have a say in it – and haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks. She wants to see me and is keen to know how I feel about our relationship, but I’m still angry and don’t think I can forgive her. Any advice?

Coleen says

Maybe she felt she was doing it for good reasons – she’s in a relatively new relationship with a partner who’s a lot younger and who perhaps wouldn’t choose to have a child right now.

However, she was wrong not to tell you about the pregnancy and discuss the options with you. It sounds as if she would have gone ahead with a termination anyway, but it’s odd to cut you out of the loop altogether if she’s serious about a future with you.

So this could be a sign that she’s not as invested in the relationship as you are. And maybe she doesn’t ever want children so, if you do, then now’s the time to confront it.

I understand you feeling betrayed and angry, and also experiencing a sense of loss. I don’t know whether you can move on from this, but if you decide to try to make it work, then you both need to be transparent about what you want in the future.

You might also benefit from counselling to help you move on.