I’m thinking of having an affair to satisfy my needs
Dear Coleen
I was widowed 17 years ago and have been seeing someone for the past seven years. He is kind, thoughtful and caring, but there is no sex between us at all. Before I met him he had a heart transplant, which left him unable to get an erection.
At first, the lack of sex wasn’t that important to me, but I’m finding I miss it now more than ever. I am 68 and he is 69.
I know it does concern him too and he has even said that I should find someone else, but I really don’t want to do that.
I suggested that he could get a book on how to turn a woman on, but he said there are so many to choose from, he wouldn’t know which one to buy.
He did add that maybe I should get the book and then tell him what to do, but that’s defeating the purpose in my opinion. Please can you help? I don’t feel I’m over the hill yet. It’s getting to the point where I’m even thinking about sleeping with another man, even just once.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Coleen says
Why is it defeating the purpose if you buy the book? Surely the point is for the pair of you to enjoy some kind of sexual intimacy? Who cares who buys the book as long as you get it? You can also look at books together online and choose one without even having to leave the house.
Perhaps he just feels a little overwhelmed or intimidated and is looking to you to tell him what you like in bed and what turns you on. That in itself can be really sexy and can create the mood, and you can enjoy experimenting.
If he hasn’t been sexually intimate for several years, then his confidence has probably been affected, so why not take the lead and guide him?
You knew about his health history when you started dating, so you can’t blame him for that – he’s physically unable to have penetrative sex. However, it doesn’t have to be all about penetration – as we get older the emphasis naturally moves away from that and towards more foreplay-based sex anyway.
If the desire is there from both of you, then you can make it work with a little time and patience, so give it a try before looking for another man to fulfil those needs.
He can’t get an erection and I really miss sex