Even the six chairs sit badly with me

I’VE long posited that it’s about who you are, fundamentally as a person. It’s in your soul, the very core of your being.

You’re either X Factor or you are Strictly and there is no in-between. And you definitely know which, because you always have been.

I’m X Factor. Since the start – instantly, unquestioningly, religiously.

But then a few years ago I started to lose my faith. Continuing to watch something when you’d seen it all before it lost its allure, I struggled to commit, especially as it demanded so much (every weekend til Christmas).

I went from feeling like I was going to spontaneously combust with excitement when a new season began, to complete apathy, dread, even.

From obsessed to immune in a matter of series. The show became such a pale imitation of its former self that I couldn’t look directly at the screen when it was on, because I was so embarrassed for it.

Obviously I couldn’t completely give X Factor up – it’s who I am – but it was clear that I needed a sabbatical. And so I sat a few series out. This year, I decided to go back – the prodigal daughter, returning to the fold.

I managed 48 seconds of the first episode before I had to turn off. Shuddering, I told myself, I had broken my cold turkey too abruptly, I needed to ease myself in gently.

The auditions were never my favourite, even in the glory years.

And so I waited for the best bit – The Six Chair Challenge. This stage is largely unpopular and widely criticised for being too cruel – but I think to have that opinion is to not understand The Six Chair Challenge.

It didn’t exist in the early years – and couldn’t have – because back then we genuinely thought we were looking for a new superstar and changing someone’s life. By the time TSCC was introduced, in 2013, we’d wised up to the fact that X Factor was an entertainment show and nothing more.

And so, TSCC is brilliant, because it is simply undeniably entertaining. Once you don’t have to worry about the people – who know exactly what they’re signing up for – you can just enjoy it.

The problem is, this year, I didn’t. Even The Six Chair Challenge left me cold.

It was fake and desperately overdone, and familiar, because it was exactly the same as all the other Six Chair Challenges.

The judges’ shtick is so ancient, you half expect to see them sitting behind a desk completely covered in cobwebs like four Miss Havishams.

Was there really a time we watched this and actually thought it was real?

The faux fury and storming off and over-the-top, exhausted, old amateur dramatics? It’s unbelievable I ever believed this muggy old nonsense.

It’s a huge step to renounce X Factor and convert to Strictly-ism, but apparently that’s where I’m headed... unless... maybe there’s a third option.

You’re either X Factor, Strictly, or Blue Planet II?