Am I too dull for partner who’s had exotic sex life?
Dear Coleen
I’m a gay guy who’s recently got into a wonderful relationship with a man I’ve been in love with since we became friends three years ago. The trouble is, I think my own paranoia and insecurity might ruin everything before we’ve even been together a year.
He’s bisexual and, before dating me, had the most wild and active sex life of anyone I’ve ever known. He went to swingers’ clubs, had threesomes, was in an open BDSM relationship for a while – you get the picture. I, meanwhile, have a fairly vanilla taste, and have only ever been in two short-lived monogamous relationships.
My boyfriend says he’s happy and satisfied with our sex life, but I am acutely conscious of how boring and inexperienced I must seem to him.
I’m so sure he is going to leave or cheat on me that I find myself checking his laptop and phone behind his back, but I have never found anything suspicious, and just feel guilty afterwards. I caused a huge row by asking if he missed sleeping with women the other day, which he said made him feel like I don’t trust him.
We made up, but what can I do to stop feeling so insecure and sabotaging things like this? I feel like I should just give up on the relationship before he can confirm my worst fears.
Coleen says
Look, when you get into a relationship, no one can ever be 100% sure that someone isn’t going to break their heart sooner or later. But what is the point in sabotaging something that seems to be going so well?
You’ll never have a chance at a lasting relationship if you break up with people because of what they might do in the future.
He’s given you absolutely no reason to feel insecure or suspicious, so I think you need to deal with your own insecurities and self-esteem. Everyone has a past and then you meet someone you’re ready to commit to, so give your partner the opportunity to find out what a great relationship he could have with you.
I think you should trust him until he gives you a reason not to trust him.
It also helps to think: “OK, I’ve got over two broken relationships in the past and, if the same thing happens to this one, I’ll get over that, too.”
And why not just be honest with him – admit you’re a bit paranoid because you know about his sexual history and yours can’t compare.
But reassure him that you do trust him and that you are fully committed to the relationship.
And stop hacking into his devices. If he finds out, I can guarantee that he won’t be happy!