We both have partners but yearn for each other
Dear Coleen
I met this guy at university and we’ve now been friends for 12 years. We took a liking to each other almost instantly and became inseparable.
He wanted to pursue a relationship with me a few months into uni, but I wasn’t on the same page and wanted to focus on my studies, so I rejected the idea. It’s also worth mentioning I had someone else in mind that I wanted to be with after uni, so I chose not to get caught up with anyone.
Fast-forward to now and my friend is engaged to a girl he met towards the end of our time at university and I’m in an on/off relationship with the guy I ‘saved’ myself for.
Over the years, my friend and I have entertained the idea of how we were ‘meant to be together’ and acknowledged how special we are to one another. There’s a great deal of sadness from both sides every time we see each other.
We have tried keeping our distance and cutting off communication because we respect our partners, but we have a lot of mutual friends, so we always find ourselves at the same events, looking into each other’s eyes and talking about what could have been.
It’s not helped by the fact our mutual friends have always hoped we’d end up together. He still intends to marry his fiancée and I intend to try to work it out with the guy I’ve spent years planning my life with. But it just doesn’t feel right for either of us.
We’re both quite selfless and not in the business of causing harm to anyone else, so it’s a case of head over heart.
Coleen says
Staying with your partners out of respect, or getting married because it was always the plan, aren’t the right reasons. In the long term, it’s not fair on them if what you’re feeling isn’t genuine. Sometimes our plans change – that’s just life.
Of course, the danger is you could leave your partner to be with your friend and realise very quickly that it doesn’t feel right either.
This relationship has been romanticised for so long – not just by you, but also by your friends, who are all desperate to see you together. It might not live up to the expectation.
So before you make any big lifechanging decisions take some time out. Be honest with your partner and tell him you’re not sure it’s working for you. If the relationship has been on/off for some time, then I doubt it’ll come as a shock.
You’re both trying not to hurt your partners, but I’d hate to be with someone who was yearning to be with somebody else.