I feel so much guilt over sons’ botched education
Dear Coleen
I can’t get over the guilt I feel about my sons’ education, which they were unable to complete, even though this all happened several years ago.
They both have autism and the local schools couldn’t accommodate their needs, as they didn’t have the funds.
The pressure to attend, and to do as well as their intelligence suggested they should do, seemed to be counterproductive, as they became more and more unwilling to try their best.
In particular they didn’t want to do homework. Their dad hasn’t taken an active role and I think he has Asperger’s, too. So eventually, they left to carry on their education at home.
Both are quite brilliant, especially with computers and do have ambitions, but both blame me for what happened and have quite restricted lives – one is almost agoraphobic.
I feel like a failure and am waiting for them to find their mojo before I can be happy again too. I try to encourage them, but this is fiercely resented as “trying to make them normal”. I struggled during my own schooling and wonder if I subconsciously passed on my anxieties to them or, in a weird way, have made them fail so I don’t have to go through it all again.
Please help – I feel life is passing us all by and I don’t know what to do.
Coleen says
Please don’t blame yourself for their condition. You’ve been a fantastic mum and have tried to do your best for your sons, and it’s not your fault that the school system let them down. It doesn’t sound to me as if you’ve had any support at all, but there’s nothing wrong with asking for help – it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You may have already been in touch with support groups but, if not, you can get in touch with The National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) for advice. Reaching out to other people in a similar situation can also make you feel a lot better. And if you’re feeling really overwhelmed, then speak to your doctor. I think you’ve always been so focused on your sons that you’ve forgotten about taking care of yourself.
You need time out too, not just for your own wellbeing, but so you have the mental and physical resilience to cope with life at home.
Most adolescents go through a stage of blaming everything on their parents and most mums feel lost at some stage. But your sons will get older and hopefully find an avenue for their talents and a path in life that suits them. Good luck.