Harry’s gone, so try my bachelors soup
THERE’S a chance you’ve already heard, but Prince Harry is getting married.
Thrilled for him, of course, but we also have to take stock of the facts. Harry is off the market. There is absolutely no chance that it could even possibly be us... which was probably always true, but is now undeniable – even when drunk. Sigh.
Order needs to be restored to the system. So we’d better try to muster up a bit of enthusiasm and take a look at alternative candidates for the recently vacated title of Most Eligible Bachelor On The Planet. Paul Hollywood On the plus side, he’s single now. Slightly more negative aspects include terrible philandering, general smugness, the hint of midlife crisis in the air around him at all times and probably talking about bread too much.
Verdict: He can keep his soggy bottom to himself, thanks. Brad Pitt Seems a bit like damaged goods ever since he escaped Angelina’s evil clutches... and is surely haunted with regret re Jen, which might be a bit dull on a day to day basis, especially now his looks have faded. Verdict: A possibility, if he can turn back time to when people knew less about, so still fancied, him. See, also: Johnny Depp. Daniel Radcliffe Seems, you know... nice. And is definitely well loaded.
Verdict: Sorry, but forever a nine-year-old wizard to us. Olly Murs Oh come on. Ed Sheeran Young, British, ginger... if you squinted the entire time you were with him, it would almost be like landing the top prize.
Verdict: Put on a posh accent, get some corgis, promise not to sing and we’ve got a deal. Tom Hiddleston Look, we could all do a whole lot worse than bagging Taylor Swift’s cast-offs...
Verdict: Except she’s made sure no-one ever will, by making him be photographed in that vest. Shudder. Chris Martin Vom. Niall Horan All the obvious members of One Direction have been snapped up, but Niall remains perpetually single. This either means he’s the best one, or that there’s something really wrong with him.
Verdict: If it’s the former we could have a contender, but we’d need a full medical and psychological assessment before any formal offers could be made. Rob Kardashian Cons: He’s an obese recluse with a horrifying relationship track record. Pros: You’d know what was going to happen on Keeping Up With The Kardashians before anyone else. Verdict: After much deliberation, the pro doesn’t outweigh the cons – mostly because you probably actually wouldn’t know what was going to happen on Keeping Up With The Kardashians before anyone else – because you’d never see any of them, because of the whole recluse thing. Prince Albert of Thurn und Taxis
This German Prince became the world’s youngest billionaire many times over after his father’s death in 1990.
Verdict: Even better, if you got with him you’d be hanging about in Royal circles, so may well bump into Harry...