Going through the motions

One of the joys of getting older is receiving letters you never thought you’d be sent. Like SAGA cruise offers, life insurance proposals with Michael Parkinson offering you a free pen, and NHS bowel cancer screening.

Yes. I’ve been invited to join a scheme where every two years you are sent a kit enabling you to “collect small samples of your bowel motions, wipe them on a card and send in a hygienically sealed Freepost envelope to a laboratory.”

I’m very excited. Because secretly I’ve always wanted to share the same lifestyle as millionaire Sharon Osbourne. And sending turds through the post seems a good place to start.