Attention, people of Britain! This is a public appeal on behalf of the Department Of Unwanted Gifts (DOUG)
Times are tough, and you can do your bit by saying no to buying boring presents for Christmas. This is because, in these straitened times, we at DOUG do not have the resources to cope with the levels of unimaginative gift buying we anticipate this year. After all, we still have silos full of presents from last Christmas, piles of CDs featuring that man from the television that Mum likes, and cheeseburger-scented novelty body scrub. Yes, we are now close to breaking point. Over the past 10 years, there’s novelty Christmas socks are never worn (and we are not sure who is wearing the odd sock. Or where). been a bizarre increase in the purchase of tactless ties, mundane merchandise and board games that are, well, a bit boring. And there just aren’t enough Christmas fair tombolas planned for 2018 to accommodate them.
It means DOUG has a huge task to face on Boxing Day, or, as the boffins at HQ call it, Black Christmas. They have carried out research in our labs to discover the size of the task we are likely to face on December 26. And it’s not great news. Our research* suggests:
Find a range of Christmas Scratchcards in National Lottery retailers nationwide.
Kitchen gadgets given as gifts are used on average twice. Or once, if it is a sandwich toaster.
of all celebrity memoirs are abandoned before chapter seven. Nobody has realised that all celebrity memoirs after chapter 10 are just the words “lorem ipsum” and “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”, repeated over and over until the pages run out.
* Entirely made-up.
But it’s not too late. There’s still time for you to do your bit. Do yourself, your loved ones, and all of us a favour… buy them something that they will really appreciate – a Santa’s Millions Scratchcard from The National Lottery, available from thousands of participating retailers. It’s the best card you can give this Christmas. A £5 Scratchcard could land your loved one up to a cool £1 million.
So, if you want an antidote to oddball offerings, give the gift that keeps on giving.
And don’t forget, people of Great Britain, it’ll all be over by Christmas. Though not for us, obviously.