HUBBY WON’T LET ME MOVE ON

Dear Coleen

A year ago my husband told me he’d been having an affair for four years with a work colleague and they had a baby together, who is now three. We have been together 25 years and have grown-up children.

Initially, we got back together as I didn’t know the full extent of the affair, but the arguing and his unwillingness to change made us separate.

However, he won’t let me move on – he tells me every week that he misses me and loves me, but he doesn’t want to come back as he’s confused. He says he’s not with this woman any more, which I’m not sure about, but he obviously goes round to see the baby.

He refuses to go to counselling. Some days I don’t hear from him and other days he acts as though nothing has happened. I’m so confused. What do you suggest?

Coleen says

I think what’s adding to your confusion is that you’re letting him have it all his way.

You need to start controlling your own life. At the moment, you seem to be letting him control you a bit, allowing him to play with your emotions.

If you’ve decided you can’t be with him after that betrayal and have made the brave decision after 25 years to leave, then stop letting him into your life.

It shouldn’t matter to you whether he gets counselling or not. If you allow him to keep you dangling, professing his undying love one minute and then telling you he’s too “confused” to come back the next, then you’ll never be able to move on.

However, if deep down you’re hoping you can reunite, then you must tell him that as things stand he has no chance because he hasn’t made any effort to prove you can trust him.

If he really wants you, then he’ll make the effort, including going to counselling.