MY FRIEND ASSAULTED ME IN BED

Dear Coleen

I’m a 20-year-old woman and I have a circle of friends that includes both men and women, who I’ve hung out with for years.

At a party last month I was very drunk and got into a situation with one of the guys. He kept saying he loved me, but I gently told him that I didn’t feel the same, and turned him down. I thought we were OK.

After a night clubbing I stayed at his house, as I often have in the past. When I woke up, he was assaulting me. I went berserk, but he acted like he didn’t know what I was upset about, saying I’d been all over him in the club.

I confided in my closest friend and she said I shouldn’t have had so much to drink or stayed at his house knowing how he felt about me. But more upsetting, she said “We both know he wouldn’t do something like that”.

What can I do? My best friend says it’s my fault, so who else is going to believe me?

I need to do something, as I’ve lost all confidence.

Coleen says

Just because she doesn’t believe you, it doesn’t mean no one else will. Try not to let that stop you from confiding in other people.

I think it would also help to contact Rape Crisis, (rapecrisis. org.uk, helpline 0808 802 9999) for advice on the process if you want to tell the police.

It doesn’t matter that he said he loves you and wants to be with you – he did not have your consent. You were asleep.

Because he’s been a friend for years you probably felt safe with him and didn’t imagine that he’d do anything like that.

It’s a difficult time, but I think if you speak about it and get advice, and report it if that’s what you want to do, then it’ll help you feel like you’re back in control.

What happened was not your fault and your friend is wrong.

You might lose some friends over this but, if you do, they’re not genuine friends. Maybe your friend thinks he’s not capable of a sexual assault, but neither did you. You’d never seen that side of him – that’s what you have |to get across to her.