Amanda’s madvent calendar
How is it only Day 9? Amanda “hilariously” pretends to be collecting unicorn tears, panto villain style. Oh, our aching sides. Amanda plugs a baby skincare range, which she suggests would be the perfect gift for a new mum. So that’s giving someone knackered and emotional a present that’s really for someone else? Great idea. It’s her poor husband’s birthday, so she makes a private video for him, of her in tacky red lingerie, but then accidentally posts it on Instagram. Imagine how horrified she’ll be when she realises her mistake! Amanda recommends indulging in some mince pies and a glass of sherry to see in the festivities.
Controversial. Will this month never end? Today Mandy’s playing piano and recommending expensive face oil that makes you “look like you’re 10 years old”.
Can we sue her if we don’t? Singing as normal, Amanda does a comedy pratfall over a Christmas present on the floor, because 13 is unlucky for some, see? Geddit? GEDDIT? !!!! She plugs Christmas Jumper Day, for Save The Children. Finally something that makes sense, and has a point to it. Long may it continue? Amanda – who is as stick thin as ever – suggests that if you’ve piled on the pounds over Christmas “like me” you could hide behind a screen so no one sees you. Can we pay for her to stay there for ever? Amanda suggests taking lots of pictures this Christmas... before removing a huge canvas of herself from a wall and running off with it.
Keep running, Mandy. Don’t worry, we’ll tell you when to stop. Oh look, shy and retiring Mand has got the 1 and the 4 of 14 on her boobs! Wacky! She also suggests using a Christmas tree as a disguise so you can spy on your neighbour’s decorations. No, thought not. Back to insanity, with Amanda singing in a bin, and then saying – altogether now – that it’s rubbish.
Many a true word spoken in jest, Mand. Amanda’s roped Jamie Oliver in to the madness. He gives turkey basting tips while she gurns suggestively next to him because HA HA HE SAID BREAST AND THAT’S A THING ON A TURKEY BUT ALSO ON A WOMAN. Peter Andre stars in a silent cameo role while Rylan Clark-Neal joins Amanda on a sledge. Needless to say, there was a gag about slaying the day. Still, at least this advent calendar nightmare will end soon.