Always look on the bright side of strife
I KNOW you like this column to be all about cynicism and so, dear reader, do I.
But there comes a time when you have to embrace the Blur lyric “I’m a professional cynic but my heart’s not in it” and switch to Andy Williams’ belief that the day before Christmas Eve is “the most wonderful time of the year”.
So allow me to live out my drinking philosophy that a glass half full is much more enjoyable than one that’s half empty by showing that inside every bad story is a good one waiting to leap out...
Those raids on terror suspects who were apparently planning a bomb blitz which reminded you of a year of shocking attacks. Well, thanks to the spooks, they’re not going to bomb you now, are they?
Damian Green and Michael Fallon resigning following the global antiperv knock-on effect of the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Has there ever been a better time for your young daughter to start a new job? Those gifts you ordered online thinking you were beating the queues, which now won’t arrive until the day you take your tree down. Rejoice. Next year you’ll go back to how you always did your shopping. In shops. Meaning town centres may cease to be ghost towns with the odd charity shop and Wetherspoons. Winter may have officially begun on Thursday but it was also the shortest day of the year, meaning from now on your life will get brighter by the day. It’s not going to be a White Christmas? Good. Non-icy days are great for skint pensioners petrified of putting the heating on and terrible for grasping energy companies. You’re not going away like your neighbours? Think of all the misery you’ll avoid stuck on trains, in traffic jams and sleeping on airport floors. You’re going to be alone for the festivities, feeling as unwanted as a Milky Way miniature in a Celebrations box? Remember that all those popular Snickers and Galaxy chocolate bars are doing is making people overdose on them and throw up. You think Christmas
A glass half full is more enjoyable than one half empty
TV is not what it used to be? With box sets, catch-up and Netflix, you don’t need to watch it and you can skip the brain-numbing adverts when you do.
The X Factor is dying on its backside, meaning Simon Cowell won’t be celebrating a Christmas No 1 in Barbados.
There are fears for Donald Trump’s health after stranger than usual behaviour of late, and even if he survives until his spring UK visit, he’ll discover the most hostile welcoming party any US President has ever seen. Survation’s last opinion poll put Labour ahead of the Tories by eight points; what’s left of May’s Cabinet is heading for a civil war; UKIP is a distant memory and David Cameron is stuck in his shepherd’s hut watching his locks by night for fear Remainers burn it down for calling the EU referendum.
Talking of which, no matter what Brexit deal they get, your MP will have the final say on it. Not some sad Victorian relic who calls his kids after 12th-century monks and his swiveleyed mates. It’s called Westminster taking back control.
And finally, for those worried they might drink too much over the next week, it’s been said that the Queen has three drinks every day before she’s finished lunch (a gin and Dubonnet, a glass of wine and a gin Martini). And she’s 91.
So raise two fingers to Her Majesty’s Government’s health officials who say you should drink that in a week – and sup yourself stupid.
For your glass will soon be halfempty again.