SCARED TO TAKE ON HER 4 KIDS

Dear Coleen

I’ve met a lovely woman after being single for four years. We’re both in our late 30s and looking for a serious relationship.

However, I’m intimidated by the fact she has four kids with her ex, who she separated from two years ago. They’d been together for many years and got together young and started having children.

He’s also very much still on the scene because of the kids.

She understands my fears and tries to reassure me everything will be OK and we’ll make it work, but I’m just worried I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I like her a lot, though – she’s the first woman in years that I’ve really fallen for and could see a future with.

Coleen says

You don’t say how old the children are but, yes, you’d be taking on a lot.

If you really love someone though, and can imagine spending your life with them, then I think you can handle those challenges.

But if you’re not sure, then it’s best to walk away sooner rather than later, because it’s not fair on your girlfriend or her kids if you get close and then walk out when the relationship hits the first bump in the road.

Why not discuss your fears with her?

If they’re mostly around how much her ex will be involved in your lives, then you can talk about boundaries and come up with something that works for everyone.

As someone who has children with an ex, I can tell you things do get easier as the kids get older because they can arrange things between themselves and you’re less involved.