FIANCE’S EX IS TOO CLOSE TO HIS FAMILY

Dear Coleen

My fiance’s sister is best friends with his ex-wife and she’s invited to any get-together we can’t make. They hang out together a lot and I find it hard to trust his sister. I know they discuss my fiance and me.

Also, when we can’t go to a family event, the ex takes their children, which I think is a problem as the boys – 20 and 22 – are having a hard time accepting their dad is with me. I have said as long as their mum is invited to family functions, they will never accept me. It’s bad enough they don’t like me. What do I do?

Coleen says

It’s really hard when couples split if they’ve formed close relationships with their partner’s family. It’s hard for relatives to just drop that person. In your case, his ex isn’t just someone he’s dated a while, it’s his ex-wife. They were together a long time and she was a big part of the family.

Rather than trying to eradicate her, you need to start thinking she’s an ex for a reason – and if your partner had feelings for her, they’d still be together. Change tactics and feel more confident in yourself and your relationship. Right now, you’re coming across as if you feel threatened by her.

It sounds like his family are considering your feelings and respect your relationship with their son – they’ll only invite her if you can’t make it.

If the boys know you have a problem with their mum, they’ll be defensive. They love her. If your partner was in touch with her all the time, it would be fair to ask him to keep contact to essential discussions about the kids, but you can’t expect his family to cut her off and not invite grandchildren and nephews to events.

I know it’s a difficult situation to negotiate, but if you don’t deal with your insecurities, then you’ll be the one who comes across as the unreasonable one.