How to be a royal knockout bride like mummy

TOE THE LINE The York family THE Duchess of York’s advice to her newly engaged daughter – as told, tongue firmly in cheek, to Siobhan McNally.

Darling Eugenie, I’m totes hurrah that you’ve managed to hook a chap.

I knew the second I clapped eyes on Jack at Daddy’s 50th party in Verbs that he was the chap in charge of the champers.

Not that I’m being judgy-judgy about your fiance’s career, yah. Your daddy never had a job in his life. Although I’m a weeny bit moo-mouth that Jack couldn’t flash more cash in the old ring department.

It looks like a crap copy of my priceless ruby ring Ratners was knocking out in the 80s.

Now for some motherly dos and don’ts: Do get a regular pedi. Do avoid Uncle Eddie’s ideas for ritual humiliation on primetime TV.

Do get Jack to cash in on your wedding in a three-book deal on how to get hammered on posh vino. Don’t wear puffball skirts. Don’t stand next to Wills or Harry’s lollipop wives in family-line-ups. And don’t promise Granny’s number to anyone in a Middle Eastern headdress with a Reading accent.

Now darling, do you think Jack would be interested in backing my new venture?

I’m launching a House of Fergie chalet range of fur-lined fondue forks…

Mummy Darling x