I’ve found The One – my purr-fect man
WHEN it comes to cars, I couldn’t be less interested... in fact, if they were all the same colour I’d probably never find mine again.
But last week I not only noticed, I became transfixed by the vehicle in front of me. There was just something about it that I couldn’t put my finger on at first... and then, as I got a bit closer, I worked out what it was.
There were two – loose – cats strolling about in it.
One of them was standing on the backseat, rising up on to two legs every now and then to get a proper look out of the window. The other was on the driver’s lap.
As we stopped at traffic lights, I saw in the wing-mirror that it was nuzzling the bloke’s face, and the bloke was nuzzling right back, stroking the cat behind the ears and talking to it gently. At that moment it was clear.
That’s who I should have married.
To clarify, my current husband is, you know, OK. I’m not (that I know of, at least) getting divorced or anything. But I’ve always found the theory of The One a bit suspect.
Firstly, wow that’s a lot of pressure... and, secondly, isn’t it a lucky coincidence that so many soulmates just happen to live in the same country, if not town, as each other, rather than elsewhere on this enormous planet? Like I said, iffy to say the least.
It’s not very romantic Hollywood fairytale-y, admittedly, but I think there are many different partners you could be happy – in many different ways – with.
And so, just to guarantee that the mood in my house is as loved up as possible as Valentine’s Day approaches, here are the other blokes who shoulda/woulda/ coulda been Mr Hudson in alternative universes...
Jon Richardson
In his stand-up show Nidiot, he talks about panicking when his Sky Plus memory gets below 50%.
Finally, someone who truly understands... and deletes programmes they’d probably enjoy without watching them just to keep the percentage right, like I do.
The only possible stumbling block with this glorious union is that we’d argue over the tidying up – namely, which one of us gets to do it. But apart from that, a very tidy match made in heaven.
Ryan Gosling
Some marriages are a meeting of minds, and others are... about other stuff, a bit lower down, in all senses. The only problem with this relationship is that I’d inevitably lose all respect for Ryan after a while... I mean, what’s he doing with me in my imagination when he could do SO much better?
The Grammar Vigilante
You’ve probably read about this mystery man. He’s known around Bristol as the Banksy of punctuation, and for more than 10 years, he’s been going out at night correcting crimes against punctuation on shop fronts and street signs.
I never thought I’d find someone who is as passionate as I am about the misuse of apostrophes. Dream man. The whole anonymous thing might make it tricky to track him down, but you’d better believe that if I ever managed it I would marry the heck out of him, and work tirelessly to make him happy for the rest of his day’s.
My son
Completely unbiasedly, the most incredible male who has ever lived. Possible downside: there is a slight chance he might not be 100% into the idea of marrying me... although it should be – legally? – noted that currently, age three, he’s fully onboard.
He had two cats in his car, nuzzling his face