Married 20 years but he never wants to have sex
Dear Coleen
I’m a 56-year-old woman and have been married for 20 years. I love my husband very much and he’s my best friend. The problem I have – and I don’t know how to resolve it – is that from the moment we married he has rarely wanted any sexual contact. It’s like torture!
We sleep in separate rooms and even when I try to initiate sex he is not interested. He says it’s my fault as I like sex more than him and that he is a good husband so I shouldn’t moan.
I am at my wits’ end. My question is, do I stay like this for the rest of my life? Or do I leave and try to start again? It’s so hard as the thought of losing him is equally as torturous as no sex life.
We don’t have children and I feel so lonely. I’ve tried anti-depressants, but I know what the problem is, so all the tablets in the world aren’t going to make a difference. I don’t know where to turn – can you help?
Coleen says
You sound physically and emotionally detached from one another. I don’t think this problem is going to go away – at least not for you. But when you’ve been together a long time it’s easy to kid yourself and you go through stages of telling yourself “We’ll be fine”, but it’s not. The problem is still there and it will keep coming back to torture you. I think he needs to understand how serious this is for you. The lack of intimacy also affects your self-esteem and causes insecurity, and you start to feel bad about yourself, and that’s not a healthy way to live.
You love him, so I would suggest taking a proper break from the relationship, so he can see what it’s like not to be with you. And you can see how you feel being on your own – you might realise it’s not as bad as you’ve imagined it to be. But you have to move out or he has to move out, so you can experience it properly.
I totally understand that feeling of loneliness – being in a marriage that’s not working can feel even lonelier than if you’re on your own. You may be living together, but you’ve lost the connection that brought you together in the first place.
You might feel daunted by the thought of starting again, but at least you’ll be truly independent and have the chance to find a full relationship instead of living as lodgers in the same house.