I identify as bi-gender but should I tell my parents?
Dear Coleen
I’m 31, male, and have Asperger’s Syndrome. I was diagnosed very young, but it’s not too obvious now I’m older. However, I have a secret, which I feel I should tell my family (as I live at home with my parents), but worry about how they’ll react.
I’ve experimented with cross-dressing and it’s not for kinky reasons. I’m not transgender either, it’s more like I’m bi-gender in that I identify as male and female but more feminine in expression and clothing. It seems to be OK for women to wear men’s clothes, but the opposite gets associated with drag queens and I’m not that.
I’ve experimented with a sports bra, which I liked, but gave it away to a charity shop after a day or two.
I generally like crop tops, halter-necks and hot pants, but I haven’t really got any female clothes at home because I worry my family would find them. I’m not gay and I’m attracted to women, but I currently don’t have a girlfriend. However, I feel that, later down the line, this is something a girlfriend would have to know.
My family is normally very open about things and we can have a conversation on most topics, but I think I’m just embarrassed to say anything. Moving out is not an option for now, as I need to be there to commute to my current job. I would really appreciate your advice with this.
Coleen says
First of all, stop worrying about future girlfriends – you can’t predict who’s going to come into your life or how they’ll react, so there’s no point worrying about something that may or may not happen. Face it when you get to it.
My impression from your letter is that your parents sound cool. You said you can talk to them openly about pretty much anything, so what’s stopping you confiding in them about this? You’ve explained it to me very well and I get it, so if it’s embarrassment holding you back, then write them a letter or send them an email (or show them this), then let them digest it before having a discussion.
There’s never been a better time to discuss gender identity – the climate has changed and attitudes are changing, too. Of course you will always get some people who don’t understand and who are frightened of it, so might lash out and be cruel. But not everyone will react like that.
And have the answers to questions your parents might ask: Does this mean you’re gay? Are you going to transition? Are you going to start dressing in women’s clothes all the time? And so on.
I’d also suggest checking out a TED talk by genderneutral model, actor and activist Rain Dove (look for the talk on YouTube). We had Rain as a guest on Loose Women and I was incredibly impressed. Good luck!
I’m embarrassed to say anything to my family