You must find the courage to ask people how they are feeling... if you don’t, you can’t help them
ZOE Ball’s world changed the day her boyfriend Billy Yates was found dead at home after taking his own life, aged just 40, after a long battle with depression.
Ten months on, Zoe, 47, admits she is still searching for answers, having to tell herself each day nothing more could have been done. But she also knows she is not alone. Around 6,000 people in the UK killed themselves in one year alone, yet support to help those at risk is sparse.
Having just finished her 350-mile bike ride for Sport Relief, Zoe today reveals another inspiring journey – to a project that helps people such as Billy and those like her who are left behind...
I’m what you would call a “novice cyclist”. The world of cleats, tight shorts with nappy-style padding, and pots of “magic cream” for my undercarriage was entirely unknown to me before I agreed to ride 350 miles from Blackpool to Brighton for Sport Relief.
But after losing my boyfriend Billy last year, I had hoped that in my own small way I could give people living with mental illness a way to find some hope – and begin those vital conversations that can ultimately be life-saving.
So many people as the week went on, either in person or on social media, spoke to me about their own experiences. There was even a note left on the windscreen of the support vehicle overnight from a woman who’d also lost someone close to her.
I had taken on the challenge because I felt compelled to do something positive in my boyfriend’s memory after he died last year following a long struggle with depression.
But before I even started tack- ling big hills, cross winds, the embarrassment of many falls and days of soreness in areas better left unmentioned, I went on a different journey – to find some hope to share with the people around the country who are impacted by mental health battles.
I had so many questions that I wanted answering, both for myself and for all those people who are living with a mental health problem.
The figures are huge – one in four people in the UK alone.
So I travelled up to Nottingham to see people involved in The Tomorrow Project, which is run by an organisation called Harmless. Money raised by Sport Relief helps to support people accessing Harmless, who are at risk of self-harm or suicide, and their friends and families.
The first person I met was Penny Johnson who welcomed me into her home on a wet cold morning with a huge warm squeeze.
Before we sat down to talk she showed me a photo of her son Jamie standing happily behind the bar of a pub the family used to run in their village. The photo was taken just two days before he died. Unable to cope with the grief of losing a close friend to suicide, Penny’s 19-year-old son took his own life. She had found it hard to access any support for her son that could help him battle his depression.
It was from the pain of grief and wanting to change the end of the story for others that The Tomorrow Project was born. Caroline Harroe, the CEO – a woman who quite literally blew my mind – realised there was no support for bereaved communities. So working closely with people in the area including Penny, the project began.
Penny couldn’t save her own son, but her experience has helped save the lives of others.
As we chatted on her sofa it became clear to us both that being able to share our stories with each other was really special and somehow comforting. We had both lost loved ones and we understood many of each other’s feelings. We shared tears and incredibly sad facts about our loss, but there was also such a lot of strength, humour and laughter in her house.
She and her family showed that whilst coping with the pain there is such a lot of living to do. I left the warmth of Penny’s home, energised by meeting such an amazing and strong lady.
The next stop was a gym, not a place that you would usually expect to have a serious conversation with a man who had been struggling to seek help.
That, I was to find out, was precisely the point – men in particular find it incredibly hard to reach out and take that first step towards seeking help even when they are in the darkest of places.
The project helps to make that process easier by sending counsellors to wherever the person feels most comfortable. In the case of Jason Priestley, the man I was coming to meet, that was a gym. So I got changed into my pink trainers and walked up to a bloke with impressively big arm muscles who was lifting massive weights.
Now 36 and weighing 14 stone, he told me that during his toughest times he plummeted to a mere eight stone. He was self-harming and one day woke up in hospital to the reality that he had tried to end it all.
I was keen to understand why, as a man, he felt unable to open up to people around him and put off seeking help for so long – a factor that surely contributes to the horrific statistic that suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK.
I will never forget the insight he shared. He told me he felt he was expected to be strong, be manly but also sensitive and caring all rolled into one.
“We men can’t win,” he said, and there was this overwhelming fear that if he opened up to say how he felt he would be ridiculed. As I got on a bike to do a bit of training with him, I asked him what fitness advice he could give me for my five days of hell on the road. He coul give me a shortcut to gain his stren in less than a month but he did spur on with his gentle words. He said th could always think of the reason why doing it and that would, in the e power me through.
He was right of course. By the t I got to my challenge start on a bitingly cold day, I felt I had discovered a great de hope during the couple of days I sp in Nottingham.
And when I got to Devil’s Peak, longest and hardest part of entire challenge, I could barely ho together, but I remembered again w he had said.
I had come away from conversations feeling person stronger and with a clearer sens practical help that really can ma difference to people struggling w depression, anxiety, bereavemen
even considering the most final action of ending their life.
In 2016, the most recent figures available, more than 6,000 people alone died by suicide in the UK. That is a shocking number.
It sounds obvious and so simple, but I’ve learnt that the biggest single act that we can all do to help someone who is really in trouble is to find the courage to ask that person how they are feeling.
If you don’t ask, you can’t help. I will also be encouraging my own family and kids to talk about their feelings and hopefully the next generation will not feel trapped as Jason did by a fear that he must behave in a certain way as a man.
But action and money is still needed.
I was reassured to see the work Harmless are doing, as well as hearing of other places where incredible support is given, as I travelled through the UK on my challenge. Yet, it is quite frightening and heartbreaking that there are simply not enough projects like this. The truth is that we need more. I can’t thank the public enough for their generosity as they donate to Sport Relief, which really will help to change so many people’s lives for the better. Seeing what people had already donated gave me the wind beneath my biking wings to make it all the way to the finish line. Zoe’s Hardest Ride Home For Sport Relief, BBC1, 9pm tonight; Sport Relief BBC1, Friday, 7pm. For support and information www.harmless.org.uk, info@harmless.org.uk To donate, visit sport relief.com/zoe