Yes, Rome was built in a day... well, in our house
The words “Mummy, I’ve got to do a class talk” are enough to make even the most homework-hardened parents consider faking their own death.
“What the…? When?” I gasped when my nine-year-old daughter Jesse casually dropped it into the conversation at teatime last week, just days before school broke up for the Easter holidays.
“Oh don’t worry,” Jesse shrugged. “It’s not till Wednesday.”
I counted the days on my shaking
fingers and squeaked: “Today’s Monday! When were you planning to fit in weeks of research followed by me doing your speech notes with my left hand to disguise the writing?”
“It’s cool, Mum. I know exactly what I’m doing – I’m going to talk about the lightbulb.”
“Lightbulb? You’ve never turned one off in your life!” I shrieked, violently plunging the potato masher into the pan and splashing myself with boiling milk.
“Seriously, Jesse, the mating habits of a dung beetle would be more fascinating,” I added, wincing as I ran cold tap water over my burning hand.
Ignoring all the drama in the kitchen, Jesse pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of her bag and meekly said: “Oh, and I have to cook a Roman dish for history homework tonight.”
“Oh great,” I said, snatching the pamphlet of Ancient Rome recipes. “I hope it doesn’t involve anything too complicated – I’m all out of dormice.”
In the end we decided to knock up a quick batch of honeyed cakes called Libum.
Looking suspiciously at the buns, Jesse checked the recipe and said: “We need to coat them in honey marinaded in fresh herbs for two weeks.”
“Yeah well, this is the modern-day fast-food version,” I said, squirting the hardening cakes with a bottle of honey. “Roman kitchen slaves were more concerned with being fed to the lions than missing homework deadlines.”
Then I had an, er, lightbulb moment.
Thanks to Google we had a speech written within the hour
“I have a brilliant idea,” I said. “All you need is a few gory facts and you can do a talk on the Coliseum.”
Thanks to the Roman god of Google we had a speech written within the hour.
Unashamedly feeding Jesse her lines, I said: “And then you can end by saying Romans ate Libum cake while watching the gruesome spectacle.”
We both looked at the revolting cold lumps in the dish. “Really?”asked Jesse.
“Totally,” I said. “Proof, if needed, that Romans had very strong stomachs.”