FAMILY JUDGE MY TROUBLED 7 YEAR-OLD

Dear Coleen

My seven-year-old stepson is a bit of a handful. I can see why, as his mum walked out on his dad when he was three and he hasn’t seen her since. She has alcohol problems and we hear from her occasionally, but she’s not capable of being in her son’s life right now.

My problem is, my own family are so judgmental. Two years after my marriage, they just see him as naughty. My brother and his wife have two children of a similar age and it’s obvious to everyone, including my stepson, they’re the favourites. I feel so hurt when my stepson is left out or told off. There’s a lot of eye-rolling from my brother and his wife, too, which drives me mad. Why are they so immature?

Coleen says

Shame on them for their lack of empathy and understanding. At seven, he’s not emotionally mature enough to verbalise his feelings over his mum leaving, so they’re probably coming out via bad behaviour. He’s seeing these kids with their nice family set-up and he might be feeling jealous. I’m sure it taps into his insecurities.

Have an honest conversation with your brother. Tell him you know your stepson can be a handful, but he’s struggling to understand what’s happened to him so the last thing you need is your family judging him or you as a parent. His behaviour is the elephant in the room, so talk about it and listen to what they have to say, too.

For you and your husband, it’s a balancing act – getting the discipline right, while making allowances for him. I divorced my first husband when my boys were young and they could have terrible tantrums. I got a similar attitude from some of my family, but now they all say what amazing young men they’ve grown into.

You love your stepson and you know his good points too, so keep giving him love as well as boundaries and I’m sure he’ll grow into a fine young man. Good luck.