I DON’T WANT TO DWELL ON MUM’S DEATH

Dear Coleen

My mother died nearly a year ago and I’ve struggled to come to terms with it. It’s coming up to the first anniversary of her death so I’m thinking about her more than usual.

My problem is, my 10-year-old daughter was really close to my mum and she keeps mentioning doing something special to mark the day and remember her gran, but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to rake things up and talk to her about it, as it just feels too painful at the moment. I’m sure in years to come I will be able to do this, but just not this year.

Of course I don’t want to upset my daughter, but I don’t want to be forced into doing something that’ll only upset me for days or weeks. Any thoughts?

Coleen says

Not taking about it isn’t the way forward. If you haven’t had bereavement counselling, then I think it’s something you should look into. Start by visiting cruse. org.uk.

I think you need to be careful not to become too selfish with grief in the respect of blocking everyone else out, and try to remember your daughter is grieving, too.

In terms of doing something to remember your mum, it could be something very simple and low key like writing a little note and tying it to a balloon or planting a little rose bush in the garden so your daughter can care for it and focus on it. Neither of these things is a big deal, but it could really help your daughter and you, too.

Of course the first year after a bereavement is hard and it’s OK to cry and have days where you want to be alone with your grief – it’s the mind’s way of healing.

But don’t block everyone else out and bottle up how you feel. Having been through the death of my own mother, I can promise that in time and with support it does get easier and you will be able to talk about her and share happy memories of her with your family.