Guilt over romps to help me get over hubby’s loss
Dear Coleen
My friend and I are both widowed and in our early-50s. I was married for years to my childhood sweetheart and when he died my heart was ripped apart.
For 10 years I grieved and never let any man touch me. But I still desperately missed love and sex.
In the end my friend suggested something – and I agreed to it. We booked into a hotel in a coastal resort and dressed up in mini-dresses, sexy underwear and heels. We got drunk for courage and went out on the pull.
We ended up having a “four in a bed” and the sex was great. It was only after we’d finished and the men had gone I realised we didn’t even know their names. My friend’s opinion was, “Who cares? We wanted sex, not romance”.
I’d enjoyed it so much that it became a regular thing and I’ve slept with a lot of men since. Some of them were really nice; others not so nice.
We tell each other we’re not harming anyone and the men are all having a great time, too, but sometimes I feel incredibly guilty. What do you think?
Coleen says
Guilt is an interesting emotion – you’re single, so you’re not betraying anyone. But it sounds to me as if, deep down, you’re not as comfortable with this arrangement as you make out.
I hope you’re making sure you’re having safe sex – you might not be able to get pregnant, but you can still catch an STI. I think you should go with your gut instinct here and if it’s feeling wrong and uncomfortable and is starting to bother you, then stop sleeping with random men.
Instead, why not focus on meeting someone for a more meaningful relationship, who can offer companionship as well as sex? And maybe that’s a big part of what you’ve been missing since your husband died, but you’ve been trying to fill the gap with sex alone.
No-strings sex and living out a fantasy might have been exciting at the start, but how satisfying is it really and how does it make you feel about yourself? I imagine most of these guys are using you, and of course that’s going to impact on your sense of self-worth.
Do I think any of these men respect you and fancy you, and want to listen to what you have to say? No, I don’t.
If you don’t want to do it any more, then don’t be pressured into it by your friend. If she wants to carry on, that’s her choice.
I get letters from many women and men in their 50s and beyond, who have found partners later in life following divorce or bereavement. There are plenty of social clubs and holiday organisations for single people of your age, so why not look into those options and make a new start?
Widowed pal and I had four in a bed after night on pull