FED UP WITH WIFE’S GRIEF OVER FATHER

Dear Coleen

My wife’s father passed away four years ago and he was greatly missed by many people. She was closer to him than her mum who is still alive. My wife feels glum most days and cries once or twice a week over his memory.

I hate to seem cold, but it is a real drag on our life together when we are having a pleasant day and something reminds her of him, and more often than not we’ll have an argument because she is feeling down and frustrated.

I’ve been supportive of her and bitten my tongue so far but after four years I’m sick of it as it never seems to end. What can I do?

Coleen says

You can’t put a time frame on grief and I’m sure she’s not doing it to annoy you. However, I understand how you feel, too.

You don’t mention if she’s had bereavement counselling, which really does make a difference, and it’s never too late to try it. It would be an opportunity for her to talk about her dad and get those emotions out without involving you or anyone else.

Maybe when she is upset, let her be alone. But arguing about it won’t help – if you do that, your day’s really ruined.

When my parents died they were both older and suffering, so there was a certain amount of relief when they passed away. I still missed them, but I could appreciate they’d had a great life and they’d come to the end of it.

You don’t say how your fatherin-law died, but if a death is sudden and unexpected, it can be harder to process for the people left behind. You can get support and information on coping with bereavement at cruse.org.uk.