Talk as teens cuts boozing
TEENAGERS who get on well with their parents are less likely to turn to drink or pile on weight as adults.
Family discussions can change how the brains of youngsters are wired.
Good communication helps processing rewards, US scientists said.
This reduces the risk of bingeing, a 14-year study of 91 participants found.
Dr Allen Barton, of Georgia University, said: “It highlights the value of targeting parenting skills.”
IF Theresa May thought negotiating Brexit was tough, it’s nothing on the political minefield that is a child’s birthday party.
The humble party bag became a hot potato issue earlier this month when one parent made headlines for returning her child’s gifts because they were “too generous”.
She was met with criticism from fellow Mumsnet users who pointed out that a paltry party bag could get you sent to school-gate Siberia.
In the nine years since having my triplet girls, I’ve tried to navigate the modern parenting minefield and it’s often blown up in my face.
So here are my totally non-expert but winging-it-for-real tips to help you with today’s parenting etiquette.
Gifts
Presenting a Barbie could be seen as gift-wrapping a future of body issues in today’s PC world.
And if you give one million tiny beads, carpet-staining coloured sand or anything containing glitter as a pressie, listen for a parent’s sharp intake of breath as they anticipate the inevitable destruction of their home.
If your child is given sweets, protect their teeth and keep their sugar intake low by eating them all yourself.
And don’t give loud toys such as whistles and drums unless you really dislike their parents.
Parties
It’s easy to impress little kids. It’s the parents you need to worry about. If you’re hosting a do at a venue where parents need to hang around, put on a table of tea, coffee and cakes for them as they’re giving up their time tolerating the shrill screams of hyped-up kids. If you haven’t got the skills to make an impressive cake, have one made and lie. Don’t try to pass off a supermarket cake as home-made – today’s mums and dads know a Colin the Caterpillar cake when we see one.
Playdates
In days of old, these meant inviting a young pal over after school for a casual spot of tea and to mess around spontaneously in the house, garden or street.
Not now. Playdates are arranged weeks in advance by text between parents juggling sports, music and tutoring classes.
Dietary requirements are discussed and activities – such as home baking or arts and crafts – are prepped well in advance.
Tidy up scrupulously beforehand because your little visitor will Snapchat pictures of your every room.
The F word
Of course swearing in front of children has always been, and still is, a big no-no. Now the word “fat” is also considered a huge taboo.
Thinking I was clever, I coached my girls to use alternative words instead of fat. This backfired when they saw an unfortunate woman on a plane taking up two seats, pointed and yelled: “Look Mummy! That lady is very WIIIIDE!”
Snacks
Think it’s OK to offer your child’s friends a glass of cola, a packet of crinkle-cut salt ’n’ vinegar and a Dip Dab lolly? Get to the back of the class! Serving healthy snacks such as fruit kebabs, water and wholegrain baked crisps will ensure parents will love you
although the kids will HATE (you). Serve ice cream with sprinkles minutes before they leave so the kids’ hyper mood safely in the hands of their own parents.
Phones
A modern-day parenting scourge. Some kids spend the entirety of parties and playdates with their faces buried in their phones. Avoid this for as long as you can by banning them from having a phone until they are at least in secondary school. But if pester power gets too ch, give them an old one without a SIMcard so they feel grown-up but can’t go online or text (heh heh).
Remember that all kids are now born with more knowledge of phones than Apple Genius Bar nerds. My girls reset my emails so my name appeared as “A big stinky poo”. With no clue how to reverse it, I was not at all embarrassed.
Gaming
Generation XBox are a sullen, ghoulishly pale lot who waste endless time on games. I have not, and will not, ever let my kids have one. Which means they beg me for one. Every. Single. Day.
To appease tantrums, eye rolls and door slams, I loaded my girls’ laptops with apps such as Carol Vorderman’s “The Maths Factor”, “Mrs Wordsmith” which expands vocabulary and “JAM”, which teaches art all cunningly disguised as games. My girls don’t know it, but their screen time is learning time. I fully accept they will despise me for this one day soon.
TV
Remember begging to stay up late to watch Dallas, or pleading to delay dinner so you could catch the end of Grange Hill?
This no longer happens as catch-up TV means kids pause programmes and watch anything at any time.
A word of caution. Remember adverts can be post-watershed too so if you let them watch last night’s The Voice during the day, be prepared to fend off questions about tampons, condoms and vaginal dryness cream.
Language
Staying up to speed with kids’ lingo is a must. If your child says someone is sick, don’t rush around with a get well card as it means they are cool. If they say they’re flossing, they are not being diligent with their dental hygiene but doing the latest dance. Acronyms are big. A “hocho” is a hot chocolate but “mofo” is never acceptable. OMG means “Oh my God” but do not allow “WTF”.
Lines must be drawn. One of my girls had a phase of saying: “in yo face girlfriend’ instead of “yes mummy”.
The short-lived phase ended when I turned off the wi-fi (see below).
Turning off wi-fi
The modern-day ultimate punishment. Threatening to switch off the wi-fi is enough to make any child quiver with fear and instantly stop maiming their siblings.
It supersedes grounding, as children have an endless amount of gadgets to enjoy indoors. If you fancy a break from playdates, tell fellow parents your wi-fi signal isn’t working and no kids will come within 50 miles.
Always make sure you activate the parenting controls feature too as you may need to have The Chat with your child if their browsing history contains: “naykid peepl”.
Ah, the world of boast posts and competitively cute kid pictures. Use with care. Posting a picture of another child without their parents’ permission is a big faux pas. Post a picture of your child’s party guests, and you risk alerting other parents to the fact their little darling wasn’t invited. Ensuing online rows can turn nasty.
Pets
You mean your dog/ cat/hamster isn’t hypoallergenic? And you haven’t pre-booked it in for the next two years with the local groomer? You really haven’t thought this through, have you?
Table manners
The best table manners are oldfashioned, but some kids think nice manners at dinner are outdated. Please do what I didn’t do and teach yours it’s polite not to criticise other children’s manners or you’ll be the one shamed.
Hearing: “Mu-um! Phoebe has her elbows on the table – and you told us only the horriblist rudest people do that,” in front of poor Phoebe turned my face redder than ketchup.
Discipline
Shouting at your child, or any other, is considered a clear sign parenting is getting the better of you, according to modern-day parenting gurus.
Practise a heart-stopping glare that halts your child in their tracks. But if you really can’t suppress a good old ear-shattering roar, ensure all windows and doors are closed so neighbours remain blissfully unaware they live terrifyingly close to a screaming banshee.
If they say they are flossing, they are not being diligent with their dental hygiene but doing the latest dance A ‘hocho’ is a hot chocolate but ‘mofo’ is just not acceptable. And do not allow ‘WTF’, lines must be drawn