Woman walks into a bar and she asks for a double entendre ...so the barman gave her one
As the PC brigade wage war on ‘sexist’ innuendoes...
Soggy bottoms and moist lady fingers made the Great British Bake Off a national institution while Carry On movies also thrived on that special nudge-nudge humour.
And Mrs Slocombe’s pussy would never have got an airing had it not been for the art of the double entendre.
But now, it seems the innuendo is nigh – because the PC brigade reckon our favourite risque gags are sexist and outdated.
A Staffordshire butcher was recently banned from advertising “big-breasted birds” and “fresh cocks” and smutty pub signs have been reported to local councils.
But double entendres have always had their knockers... and they still make millions laugh.
So we’re happy to give you one .... or several.
■ Oh, she’s very embittered, you know. Very embittered. You’ve seen the ring she had on? Well, allegedly, that was given to her by her fiance when she was eighteen and he jilted her and she hasn’t had it off since! Poor dear! - Up Pompeii’s Lurcio, played by Frankie Howerd
■ You have got two hours to pop Mary’s cherry... in the oven, and bring it out again. – Sue Perkins, Great British Bake off. But we liked the deliberately large gap she left between.
■ They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts. – Michael Buerk watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to an astronomer for warmth while covering an eclipse
■ The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey. – Cricket commentator Brian Johnston on West Indies’ Michael Holding bowling to England’s Peter Willey
■ This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother. – Ted Walsh, racing commentator
■ Brazil – they’re so good it’s like they are running round the pitch playing with themselves. – John Motson
■ Your crack is nice and moist. – Mary Berry, Great British Bake Off
■ And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing. – Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
■ Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor. – Humphrey Lyttelton, Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
■ I have always fancied kneeling down in front of Prince Charles – receiving. – Julian Clary on idea of getting an MBE
■ The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it’s coming quickly. – Mel Brooks
■ Ah, isn’t that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew. – Harry Carpenter at Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977.
■ Henry VIII: Has she been chaste? Thomas Cromwell: All over Normandy. – Sid James discusses his future wife with Kenneth Williams in Carry On Henry
■ What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme. American satirist Dorothy Parker
■ One of the reasons CRACKING UP Berry Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. – Anonymous golf commentator.
■ You’d eat beaver if you could get it. – Carenza Lewis on finding food in Middle Ages on Time Team
■ So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night? – Female news anchor who asked the weatherman why it didn’t snow as forecast.
■ Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday. – Steve Ryder commentating at the US Masters.
■ There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. – Clare Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on BBC Look North
■ Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees. Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s lead
■ Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself. – Ken Brown on golfer Nick Faldo and caddie Fanny Sunesson lining up shots
■ What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello? - James Allen interviewing Formula One driver Ralf Schumacher
■ Yes, Seaman’s on everyone’s lips this morning. - Des Lynam referring to goalie David
■ They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions. – Willie Carson on how jockeys prepare for a big race
■ I thought Christmas only comes once a year. – Pierce Brosnan as James Bond to Christmas Jones in The World Is Not Enough
■ Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets. – Snooker commentator Mike Hallett
■ The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow. – Ronnie Barker
On the mantelpiece in my parlour I’ve got a whole row of silver cups. They’re for my pussy. Do you know, it wins a prize every time I show it!