I CAN’T FACE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND

Dear Coleen

It’s been several months since I was intimate with my husband. He’s keen to have sex, but I just don’t feel the same about it any more – well, at least with him. It just feels wrong and I can’t get turned on.

We’ve been together for eight years, but I had a short affair with a man at work last year. Someone told my husband about it, but he didn’t throw me out and said he wanted to try to work through it.

Against my better judgment, I agreed.

Although we’re getting on fine and he’s been brilliant, I recoil when it comes to sex. Any ideas?

Coleen says

I don’t think you’ve dealt properly with the affair and the reasons for it, and simply tried to carry on ignoring this huge elephant in the room. An affair changes your relationship forever, which isn’t to say you can’t move on from it and be happy.

You have to confront it, however difficult that is, and be honest with each other. You wouldn’t have had an affair if you’d been truly happy in your marriage, so you have to think about what was going on to make you choose that option. I don’t think you’re going to suddenly start wanting sex again – you have to deal with what went wrong and then rebuild the intimacy, which can take time.

If you don’t want to throw in the towel yet, then I’d strongly suggest relationship therapy.

It might help you to move on together or it could convince you that it’s beyond repair and you have to move on alone.