UNHAPPY FOR YEARS AFTER HE HAD FLINGS

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my husband for 24 years and married for 21. However, over the past 10 years, I haven’t felt right in the relationship, which is down to him cheating on me twice. The first woman he cheated with was during a stag weekend in Blackpool. He later had the nerve to introduce me to her, saying she was someone he’d met through his best friend’s girlfriend.

There is loads more to this story, which I can’t go into here, but can you offer any advice on what I should do?

Coleen says A big part of “not feeling right” is that you can’t really trust him again 100%. And, even if you decide to put the betrayal behind you and move on, a relationship will never be the same following an affair. It changes things.

I’ve been through this in my first marriage – staying with my partner and trying to make it work because I still loved him – but unless you’ve properly dealt with what happened and why it happened, then I think it’s impossible to move on from it.

I don’t know what led your husband to cheat – it’s something that could be explored through couples’ psychotherapy and I’d recommend it. If you don’t want to give up on your marriage, then tell him that, but also be clear that you need to talk about his affairs and seek professional help. If he won’t have therapy, then you could have individual counselling to help you decide what you want to do.

One session of psychotherapy isn’t going to make everything right again – it’s not an instant thing. You both have to put in hard work or have the courage to admit that it’s not working any more.