My teen son’s girlfriend is a 41-year-old mother

Dear Coleen

My 19-year-old son has come home and told us he has a 41-year-old girlfriend. She’s divorced with two young children. I’m horrified and I’ve told him he needs to break up with her, but he’s pointed out to me he’s an adult and can do whatever he likes.

What on earth does he see in her when he could be with a nice girl his own age?

And more to the point what does she see in him? I’ve banned her from the house, but my husband and daughter, who is 22, think I need to calm down and meet this woman to give her a chance. But I just can’t. What can I do?

Coleen says

Listen, I’ve got two sons, so I can imagine exactly what you’re going through. She’s old enough to be his mother, but the more you fight against the relationship, the more he’ll dig his heels in. So you have to

He could be with a nice girl his own age, not her

really bite your tongue with this situation and welcome her in. Because remember, he’s 19. By the time he’s 20 he’ll have probably tired of her. He’ll want to go clubbing and she’ll be knackered after a day with the kids! Or who knows, perhaps she really is the love of his life.

But the point is, he has to make his own choices and his own mistakes in life.

Maybe he just likes older women, maybe he’s an old soul, maybe she’s young for her age, or maybe it’s all just a phase that will pass. Who knows?

But what I do know is if you tell your teenage or 20-something kids not to do something, they’re just going to want to do it more.

So get to know her and see what she’s like. Maybe if you build up a friendship you could say: “Look, I’m curious about the age gap. Where do you think things are heading?”

But make sure you tread carefully. Don’t encourage it, but don’t go against it either.