How to make sure our love never dies
LOVE Island 2018 is over... and now we enter the aftermath, which is always interesting.
In a week’s time, even the most devoted viewer will struggle to remember the contestants’ names.
They’ve been glued to and fascinated by these people’s every move for the last seven weeks, but with every step they take out of the villa door, the interest in them exponentially lessens. By the time they get to the airport no one cares if they live or die. Welcome to showbiz, kids.
However, out of every reality show there is always one, or sometimes two, who make it. Whether briefly or semi-enduringly-ish, they manage to break the curse and keep us tuning in, often despite ourselves.
But how can future reality contestants ensure that they’re the success story rather than the cautionary tale? If only there was some five point secret formula to follow...
1 Avoid the grey area
Right from the start of whatever programme you’re on, be one thing or the other, in extremely broad terms. For example, in Love Island, Dani was good and Megan was bad, and they’re the two who’ll do well this year.
This point is proven by the fact that the country of Switzerland has never got famous from appearing in a reality show.
2 Respect the clichés
Go on a journey. Overcome obstacles. Learn, grow. Challenge yourself. Even if the real challenge is whether you’re a good enough actor to pull off someone overcoming obstacles, learning and growing etc, etc.
3 Have a flaw to exploit
An exercise video a la Scarlett Moffatt and Josie Gibson is the dream, because even if the public are largely over you, everyone loves a before and after shot. One photo alone can reignite your career... and then another one can, when you pile it all back on.
A less successful strategy is having “nonidentical eyebrows” like Love Island’s Sam Bird. He’s been given an expert brow transformation, but, strangely, no front pages were held.
4 Know yourself, (little girl)
When you first come out of your TV show, all wide eyed and innocent, people who’ll be taking a percentage of your imaginary future earnings will try to convince you to go in different directions. Don’t listen.
Stick to what you’re known for. Corrie doesn’t want you, your book will end up in the bargain bin, and we don’t care that what you really want to do is sing. Never fall into the trap of wanting to be taken seriously... because you’ll be taken seriously back to reality – no, the other kind – with a bump.
5 Definitely don’t live happily ever after
You may think your time creating storylines is over once your TV show ends, but it’s only just beginning. And it’s worse now, because you won’t have producers to manipulate you into doing things, you’ll have to think of them yourself.
There needs to be twists, turns and drama – perfect case in point, Chantelle Houghton.
Perennially unlucky in love, including a divorce age 24... then she had a FF boob job... got together with Katie Price’s cagefighter ex Alex Reid... had a baby with him... then just as it was getting dull, he turned her house into a sex dungeon for his female alter-ego Roxanne so they split up and she removed her implants.
Watch and learn, Dani and Jack, watch and learn.
We don’t care that what you want to do is sing